Today

This is really difficult -today, the day you broke up with me, October 14, 2007. It is the most difficult, probably, because this is the sort of thing I would go to you with. We would talk about it, and I would be able to share with you my secret feelings and worries. But now I can't, and I can't even pick out which parts of our relationship were a lie; when you truly cared from when you found me annoying; when you really loved me, if you really loved me, and when you were just dealing with me. I feel betrayed, and I feel like I want this best friend of mine -not the only one, but the most snuggly one- back. But I know I can't have him back. I can't even tell if I should believe that he really was my best friend. It's like a much more scarring version of Amanda Jarmer all over again. I'm not sure what to believe, I don't know what to do, but I'm pretty near certain that we are done.
I keep fluctuating between tears and being "fine", although I'm trying to allow myself a little time to heal before I attempt to "harden my heart", as the saying goes. I am just SO confused. I feel like I can't really believe anyone, because I believed you for too long and in too many ways. I'm tired of so many things, it's true, but I miss so many things already, and it's all just begun. Kiss me, don't kiss me. I just want to cry right now. But I can, I suppose, satisfy myself with the knowledge that in all important endeavors, feelings, and events, I was true. I was not the liar or the one to be questioned. If anything I just held back too many explainations to be understood properly. I'm so... I'm SO confused right now. But I know, I MUST KNOW that it will get better eventually. And I won't be waiting three years for it, either. I hope.