Hey. I guess I just wanted to put out into the universe that I don't feel like there's anywhere where I really belong anymore. Nobody misses me, and I can't think of anyone anymore who really cares -in any positive way, anyhow- whether I'm with them or not. Whatever. I know we are all "supposed" to feel like that sometimes, but I really do, and it really... hurts.

Blogginess from Western Wednesday

Dear Zach,
(It still sounds stupid to me,)
I feel Left Behind. I'm in love with you, and despite everything I want to be with you so badly, but I don't know what to do, because you seem to be indifferent of me, now, -even pitying. Whereas I love you. I love you Zach and you used to love me back and now I've been dropped again and I know you don't want to pick me back up. I could just cry, though I'm out of tears.
By the way -just for documentation's sake- this morning, after a terrible night in which I only slept three hours at CJ's because I kept picturing and hearing all the horrible possibilities of our breakup -including that you had cheated on me- I spoke with you in private. You made me feel better, Zach, but I still can't really tell how you feel about me because you're never specific and I can't always believe you, now that you've lied so much. But I know that truly you just don't want to date anymore. -I'm scared, Zach, and I know you'd just pity me, but not love me, for it.
Bye for now, I guess.

night-time

I WISH YOU'D JUST TAKE IT ALL BACK!!! I WISH YOU'D WANT TO AND I WISH THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US BUT IT CAN'T BE!!!!!

---later---
I feel like I'm using this insanely much, but I just have so many emotions to get out! I just don't know what I did to make you hate me. Did you bottle malice for so long that now you can't bear my very presence?! I'm going to choke on this feeling.

I wrote this during that art period, in the compy lab

Why does time keep passing when a heart gets broken? It feels as though it should shatter, twinkling shards should fly away and time should just, stop. Or maybe the paint should peel from all the walls and the pages should rip themselves out of books as a sign of protest. Or the face of the one who broke it should chisel itself into a sinister grin, an immovable palate nothing resembling its old self.
But the thing is, when a heart gets broken, nothing differs around the heart. Time keeps passing, the heart keeps beating, somehow. The walls and the pages stay the same, and that beautiful face does too. And all that heart can do is try to mend itself; swell up in pain and gasp for life-breath, tremble in horror, its true. But somehow, it beats on.
And its almost more painful, for that heart, that nothing does change. For everyone and everything else it is nothing more than a passing phase for their friend, if they even realize it has happened. One less smiling face, maybe. But for that one heart it is like nothing will ever, ever be the same.

(P.S. if you like my writing, go to fictionpress.com and search the screen name cryingred.)

art period

Zach, you're hurting me SO BADLY! And I just can't understand why. I thought you were in love with me. You took it all back. You're horrible, you must be, but then why can't I just stop loving you too. WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME SO BADLY, ZACH!!!!! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Acting/Lunch Today

I saw you in the library today. I've been trying to just look forward, to keep my head down in hopes that I won't catch any view of you. I ducked, you saw me and left. It's funny how Taylor tried to duck, too, with her giant kitty ears, as though she might expect me to punch her or something. But I wouldn't. I more or less just wondered why she felt it necessary, if what I felt was true isn't. Doesn't matter so much.
I was civil enough with you in acting today, although my friends are -possibly- the only thing allowing me to keep my head. I'm thinking of asking you to call me by my full name, although I don't believe it'll foster anything but animosity between us. I just feel like you haven't earned the right to speak to me so casually any longer, like some weird Japanese traditions have rubbed off on me. To that end, I've changed my answering machine and hope to redye my hair soon, refreshed and rid of the boy who'd like to be rid of me.
I can't care.
Bye for now.

Tuesday, Oct. 17th..?

Hey. So, especially after last night I feel REALLY stupid writing in this, and I REALLY don't like the title of this blog anymore. But I hide it in the margins, and I grin and bear it. I don't know exactly how to feel now, loving someone who so surely hates me now. But I'm trying to be positive. A bunch of the girls -Sarah Kuchy and Jackie and Ariel- were having a mini movie-party last night and they turned it partially into a gathering to make me feel better. It just felt good to feel wanted and included and shit. I don't know about these feelings for you anymore. It's like I just harbor them. But I'm trying to release them because with you being your emo self I know they'll only hurt me more and more, break me unless I try to let them free.
I started to cry again last night. I do that when there's a lull in the excitement, because I can't help but think of you and how sick I make you. But the girls just made me smile, telling me I was always too good for you anyway. Part of me believes them. Well, bye for now.

I'm mad at you!

I'm mad at you, Zach! You can deny it all you want but you moved on before you dumped me, and the thing of it is that it's not fair, because you have someone to go to with your crap and I don't. Her name is Taylor, and I don't care what garbage you try to feed me, her boyfriend should really be more concerned about the two of you. She's the reason you broke up with me, and had you not met her, you wouldn't have. I am so pissed off! And if it wasn't a felony I would walk over to you and kick you in the balls so hard they went in and you could never, ever have sex again. BREAK IT OFF!!!!! ^.^ That thought makes me happy. Yay!

little later.

I'm back to having nothing to do with myself. I'm so depressed right now, but I'm gonna type as though I'm talking to you and you had nothing to do with me being this way. I don't know what to do, Zach. And you don't even want to deal with me anymore. I feel so unloved and so hurt and so lonely and I feel like I could just break sometimes and then I feel so used in a way and so wrong like you couldn't even bring yourself to care about me this much or to love me anymore because I'm just a burden for somebody else to deal with now and it hurts really badly Zach. And I just don't know what to do. And I feel like I'm the pitiful little clingy thing you had to get rid of... That thing that I never wanted to be when we first got together but you were there and you needed me and when did that switch out because the idea was that we were going to have each other when we needed each other, almost just like buddies that kiss and then it suddenly became too much and I don't know what to do because when things like this happen you're the one I talk to. You're the one who makes me feel better and special but you're tired of doing that now and now I'm just... an island.

9-15-06... morning

Hey again, Zach. (This somehow doesn't feel as silly as it should.)I woke up this morning to Sarah sleeping in bed next to me. I guess that's really not as important as it could be, but it was the first time that had happened in a long while and I kind of felt like my sister was trying to comfort me. (I fell asleep and she came in afterwards.) Although it was really nice, I started to think about how I'll never do that with you again, and then to wonder again how much of what you told me you liked was a lie, so I got up.
On a different note, I'm thinking of asking Bryan Bell out... Not so much as a date as friends, and maybe something Halloween-y... I don't know. I don't think I'm quite ready for a real date, and I don't think I could handle it if he rejected me right now, but I just don't want to wait around and feel bad, and I don't want to wait around to watch you date other girls. I feel kind of insecure about the way I look, and I'm sure you'd hate that, but you know, you don't have a right to have an opinion on that.
One of my problems right now is that I need support, and I know I'll get it from some people, but after what happened with us I'm afraid that people will extend support that they don't really want to give -like you did- and leave me too -like you did. I was worried about that, you know. With all the things rumbling around in my head, I sought support, but I didn't want to be too much for you, so I only took it when you offered. But apparently you didn't actually want me to take it. That's one of the many differences between us, Zach, and I'm just glad that that crap is done. But we're really done now, and I'm just gonna keep wondering what of me you truly miss and what of me you're glad to be rid of. Is there any part you miss? I flatter myself to be pretty sure that there must be something, but I just can't tell your truths from your lies now so I don't know what that is. Maybe Badger would like a date. No, not really, he's infuriating. I'm just trying to do something other than sit here and be sad. I'm dressing up for formal day. HA-Ha! Whatever. I'll probably be writing here for a while, so I'll talk to you soon (<-- I sound like a dope.)

Today

This is really difficult -today, the day you broke up with me, October 14, 2007. It is the most difficult, probably, because this is the sort of thing I would go to you with. We would talk about it, and I would be able to share with you my secret feelings and worries. But now I can't, and I can't even pick out which parts of our relationship were a lie; when you truly cared from when you found me annoying; when you really loved me, if you really loved me, and when you were just dealing with me. I feel betrayed, and I feel like I want this best friend of mine -not the only one, but the most snuggly one- back. But I know I can't have him back. I can't even tell if I should believe that he really was my best friend. It's like a much more scarring version of Amanda Jarmer all over again. I'm not sure what to believe, I don't know what to do, but I'm pretty near certain that we are done.
I keep fluctuating between tears and being "fine", although I'm trying to allow myself a little time to heal before I attempt to "harden my heart", as the saying goes. I am just SO confused. I feel like I can't really believe anyone, because I believed you for too long and in too many ways. I'm tired of so many things, it's true, but I miss so many things already, and it's all just begun. Kiss me, don't kiss me. I just want to cry right now. But I can, I suppose, satisfy myself with the knowledge that in all important endeavors, feelings, and events, I was true. I was not the liar or the one to be questioned. If anything I just held back too many explainations to be understood properly. I'm so... I'm SO confused right now. But I know, I MUST KNOW that it will get better eventually. And I won't be waiting three years for it, either. I hope.